An epiphany, of sorts...

I AM PRETTY MUCH HAPPY AS I AM.

There, I said it. Never in a million years did I think I would ever be able to say that, but I just did it.

Over the last week, various things have happened that have made me analyse my relationship with food, exercise, my body... Giving up the scales on April 1st was probably what started it. Adjusting my mind to rely on how I 'feel' instead of the numbers in front of me is something that was never going to come easily to me, a compulsive weigher, but I'm feeling like a huge burden has been lifted off me. It's bizarre.

And I've finally come to the conclusion that actually, I'm not half bad! I was spurred on initially by this post on Stumptous.com What to expect when you're expecting and something hit home... Namely, the fact that I'm beating myself up day in day out, for what?

'I know these feelings, because I was once there too. The more you “screw up”, the more rigid your rules for yourself become. The more you worry, the more you try to impose order on the world. Of course, the more you do this, the worse it gets. Rules and expectations. Defeat and failure. More rules and expectations. Worse defeat and failure. Lather, rinse, repeat until everyone hates being around you and you are a crashing bore.'

 I am absolutely part of that circle. I am absolutely 'the expecter' that Krysta has written about. And I don't actually want to be.

• Okay, my tummy wobbles more than I'd like, and doesn't always fit in size 10 trousers (thats size 6 I believe for you US bloggers?)... But there's definitely abs under there, just waiting to peek through. They're getting stronger every day.  
• Okay, my thighs and calves don't look like runner's legs do... But they're definitely on their way, I stretched my legs out under my desk yesterday and felt actual muscle just above my knee. I've never felt muscle in my legs before! 
• Okay, my body fat could be lower... But considering my BMI used to be 10 points (yes, 10!) higher, I've already dropped enough body fat over the last 2 years to potentially save my life! 
• Okay, I'm still not happy with myself in a bikini / in underwear / in tight clothing... But I'm 1000 times happier in them than I was 5 stone ago!

Okay, I'm not perfect... BUT WHO IS?!

1. My friends and family are all commenting on how I'm a different person, mentally. It's nice. They've recognised the change in me from lazy and unmotivated to focused and self-confident. I didn't know this 'me' could exist, but it does.
2. My husband (love you!) admits defeat that I'm a better squatter than he is, even if he can run faster than me (hate him...)
3. My nearest and dearest think I'm 'tiny'. Me! Tiny! I've also been irritated this week by clothing seams rubbing on my collar bones, and hip bones... I clearly have no weight to lose from these places!

Surely, this should be enough for anybody? Do I really want to beat myself up from here into eternity to try and achieve this 'perfect figure' I have in my head, when I know I'll just keep moving the goalposts?

The nearly 15 stone, sixe 18, unhappy, unconfident, unfit me is standing there, screaming at me, for being so anally retentive about the little details, and ignoring the bigger picture.

She is unhappy with me, very unhappy, that I'm choosing to ignore that 5 stone loss, ignore that 10 point BMI reduction, ignore that new love of running and exercise, ignore that new passion for healthy, delicious, vegetarian food, ignore EVERYTHING I'VE BECOME OVER THE LAST TWO YEARS, in favour of beating myself up over an inch on my stomach that could go, a minute on my running speed that should go, the inclusion of the odd convenience food in my diet that 2 years ago would have been, without a doubt, consdired very healthy eating (I'm talking quorn here, rustic oven chips which are just skin on potatoes and a bit of oil, that kind of thing)

I need to give myself some credit. I need to stop picking myself apart and celebrate what I've achieved. I deserve to be proud of myself, and I deserve to give myself a longer leash...

• I've lost 5 stone, and kept it off for 9 months. I should allow myself to be happy with this.
• I've learnt to run, I can run 10k, and I ran 5k in 29:28 yesterday, my first sub:30 run. I should allow myself to be happy with this.
• I've learnt to cook healthy, nutritious, vegetarian meals, and to pick the best choices when eating out. I should allow myself to be happy with this.
• I am healthier than probably 90% of my friends, family, colleagues, people in my street... I should allow myself to be happy with this.

No more beating myself up. It's time to celebrate the fact that I'm there, I've done it, and I'm HAPPY.

We'll see how long this feeling lasts for, I'm sure I'll be moaning again within a week, but right now, I'm going to be self-obsessed, or whatever you want to call it, and I'm going to bask in my awesomeness. Because I've earned the right to!

(Side note: The gym membership will be staying for now, at least until I work out how I would have space for a home gym. The WLR membership, sadly, is going to go. I've learnt enough over the last two years to make do with a free cal-counting site, though I am definitely going to miss it, there comes a point where you have to let go...)