A quiet day at work... Reflection time.

...Has given  me opportunity to sit and read through my old weight loss blog. It's funny how we start taking things for granted after a while, isn't it? I mean, I'm sat here feeling sorry for myself that my running speed isn't as quick as I'd hoped it would be by now, and that my stomach isn't as flat as I thought it would be at this weight... Why am I even letting myself think these things?

This time last year, I was 10 pounds heavier (not a massive difference I know) and HAPPY with the way I looked because of the progress I'd made How did that flip around, that now I'm smaller, I'm more critical of my figure? And though I'd got myself up to running 5k this time last year, I'd not once dared to do it outside yet, it had all been on a treadmill at the gym because I was too afraid of what people would say if they saw me outside, all redfaced and huffy-puffy.

This time two years ago, I was 4 STONE heavier than this time last year (nearly 5 stone heavier than right now). I was still just about classed as obese, I was horrifically unfit in both body and mind, and the most you'd get me to do in the way of exercise was half an hour on the crosstrainer in our lounge when everyone was out, as I was too embarassed to do anything in front of anybody, even hubs...

The me from two years ago is almost unrecognisable to the me today. There's nearly 5 stone difference, one is significantly fitter than the other, one almost has visible abs where the others triple belly used to be (did I mention if I tense 'just right' and hit the light 'just right' I have abs now? Awesome huh? :P), one has an appalling processed meaty unsatisfying diet and the other is vegetarian, adores cooking healthy meals, and loves nothing more than finding a whole food shop!

But the two still have something in common. They still seem to have the same self esteem issue.

• Sure, one will wear a bikini to the beach/pool when the other would wear a vest and shorts... But she still feels like everyone is staring for the wrong reasons, that everything wobbles and she should cover back up.
• Sure, one will run on the streets when the other wouldn't leave the house... But she still panics about how red her face is and whether anyone is laughing at her, that she's slow and clumsy and not achieving anything.
•  Sure, one has a BMI 10 points lower than the other, 21 to 31...But she still gets on the scales every day and feels like her world is crumbling if they don't say what she wants to see. 

BUT LETS FACE FACTS- I HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

So why am I letting myself behave like I do? Why am I accepting these feelings as normal, rational things? Shouldn't I be kicking back against them, measuring my progress against where I've been rather than where I 'think' I want to be, enjoying my achievements rather than thinking I've not done enough?

I'm young, I'm slim, I'm fit, why can't I just let myself be happy with that?

It's those old eating disorder perfectionism characteristics coming out to play, I reckon. So before any of that starts up again (been there, got the tshirt, don't want to ride again) I'm nipping it in the butt, right now.

As of 1st April, for one month:

• I will not weigh myself. The scales are being removed from the house.
• I will run because I enjoy it, and only reflect on the positive aspect of each run, none of the negatives. Same goes for my weight sessions
• I will LIVE MY LIFE. If that means eating a piece of cake at a party, I will not feel guilt for it, I'm sensible and active enough to find balance. If it means missing a workout because of a prior commitment, I can make up for it by working harder at the next session.

Lets see where that gets me... Hopefully back to the happier, 10lbs heavier version of me from last year... Just, without that 10lbs!

:) x